If I told you a secret, promise not to tell? I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just hoping the pieces fall into place.
We could never agree on anything but each other. The older I get, the more introverted I become. Sweet, morale boosters. Half the women in my life want me to cut my hair, while the other half like it long. You don’t get it. I’m Joel. I’m allowed to do that. Everyone keeps telling me I could be an actor. A stripper with kids is obviously a very family-oriented woman. LIVE IN THE NOW! Check this out: If Las Vegas ever had a major league sports team, they should be called The Las Vegas Longshots. How do you like that? I can tell when she’s mad at me. It’s funny how the same joke can get even funnier after repeating it hella times. A couple that spends all their time in bed doesn’t get anything done. Men go camping and hit up strip clubs. Driving’s better than flying because you can throw your garbage out the window. Sell states and territories to pay off the national debt. "You had your chance, and you blew it. You choked." Everything is a miracle. I’d expect that generally a man would spend more money on a gift for his mistress because he’ll be spending the holidays with his family. It’s hard for me to be stingy when I know what’s it’s like to be a consumer. I’m careful to tell people I work in the music industry because I don’t want them pitching their music to me nonstop. Never underestimate gossip. Dressing scandalous in December will make you sick. I need to assign myself a monthly budget for my vices. I just act dumb.
We shouldn’t be competing against each other. We should be working together. Jealousy is a sort of inspiration, isn’t it? So you should feel flattered. I like listening to music in the car than through headphones. I don’t let it bother me. She’s cuter when she’s mad anyway. For awhile, I used to get Kat Von D mixed up with Amy Winehouse. In many ways, the police function like a gang. You’re how old now, and you’re still figuring out who you are?! Goddamn! If a hot chick gives it up effortlessly, thank her father. What happened to the man who got everything he ever wanted was that he started to consider others. "Look at my skin color. I know what I’m talking about." Don’t get what looks good. Get what fits. I’m wearing all black today. No joke. This is the real thing. I am the real thing. Look, just because we went to college doesn’t mean we know shit. I have a double degree, and I’m a dumbass. I have this habit of looking for girls who are like me, but then, I start to think they have no personality. Does that mean I hate myself? Everything serves its purpose.
Jesus for President 2012. Art takes time. "We live two different lives, so it wouldn’t have worked out from the start, but it was fun, so it was worth it." You can only trust those who hold similar values as you. It’s just as hard keeping old friends, as it is making new ones. Morning wood makes the morning good. Don’t get trapped! As random as it started, it ended just like we expected. You can’t spell ‘unfaithful’ without ‘faithful’. Seriously, do some people wake up each morning and think, “How can I make my life even worse than it was the day before?” See what I care. It’s not like you’re coming back. Either go with it or get left behind. I always find myself in the middle of something. Some promises are meant to be broken as a test of a person’s character. If I work too much, I start to break out. I should start a gossip blog about all my friends. Sometimes I have to pay to see my friends. A social life isn’t cheap. Good products sell themselves. All Targets look the same, it trips me out; and no one ever uses the front aisles. When it comes to collecting, when I want something, I’ll work hard and do anything I have to do to get it; but once I have it, I don’t care about it anymore. I put it away. I just like knowing it’s mine. All opportunities in life are hit or miss, so fuck it.
Bro, my name’s always on the list.
Gossip is a way of telling someone something without having to say it to their face. What’s potentially most dangerous about me is that I can turn on and off my emotions. "What does Joel do?" I mean, like, there are doctors out there saving lives and soldiers fighting wars and dying on the battlefields, but then, there’s our job; and when I really - just really - take a moment to meditate about it, I can’t help but feel a little more important. Thank you, Charles Seeberger - inventor of the escalator - for putting women’s asses at eye-level for free. "I hate my kids because they remind me too much of my ex-wife." I avoid pain. I love myself too much. Do something right the first time. Never have to do it again. "Have a seat. Take off your bra, if you want." - Ms. Mann Artificial emotions can become real emotions. It’s funny when it’s not us. Something’s off. I can remember the year was 1993. I was in the 4th grade, and it was Field Day, but I had gone home early because I was feeling sick. Gas cost $1.39/gallon back then. The vagina is equally as complicated as the woman.
You know, you only get one family - unless you’re like that evil midget in that movie Orphan and you keep getting passed around.
So many passwords and passphrases and e-mail addresses and logins and usernames and… I get about 400 miles to the full tank, give or take. Fuck your feelings, bitch. Yeah, sometimes I wonder what you’re talking about, but then I remember I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. I can’t sleep when I’m horny. One of my biggest turn-offs is when a girl has no work ethic. They ask me what kind of music I like, and the best answer I have is, “Anything I can sing along to.” You don’t have to glorify violence. It does that itself. I’m in a rush to go nowhere. If you want your ex out of your life, don’t just say it’s over; act like it’s over. I’ve had the same underwear since high school. Due for an upgrade. At first, she’ll think I’m funny. Later, she’ll complain that I make everything a joke. Well, fuck… If I want the bloodiest of diamonds, I’mma get the bloodiest of diamonds. The American way is to talk nonstop and spend hella money. Tsk! Tsk! Love is about balance. Work is about juggling. For me, it’s: Look, make eye contact, and smile. If she smiles back, it’s on. That’s it. It’s only offensive if it meant something to you.
Either keep dreaming the American Dream or wake up.
What good is a camera without film, or a gun without ammo, or a pen without ink, or a body with no soul? The UC Davis protests really frustrated me because they distracted the country from the bigger picture. You can’t allow yourself to get pepper-sprayed, after being fully warned and then complain about it later. I’m not misinformed. I’m uninformed because I don’t give a fuck. That 49ers game was so good, I could’ve jerked off to it. I don’t try to get involved in things that don’t involve me, but somehow some way, things revolve around me. Guys, I’m sorry, but it cost money to be an American. Honestly, I’m a bad friend when it comes to keeping in touch. I’m better within close proximity. But I like to think we’ll always be cool when we see each other. Hey, tip money’s gas money. Duck is way better than turkey. I try my best to make people happy because I like to see them smile. I can’t be something I’m not, unless I’m getting paid. There’s nobody who has ever done anything great without receiving help. Don’t forget that Reality TV is a genre, not actual reality. I’m a coin flipper. When an opportunity presents itself, it’s hard for me to resist. The three best things about being human: fucking, fucking up, and getting fucked up. It’s funny how we can get used to some things. I regret nothing. I was up last night at 5am, eating a Little Lucca’s sandwich. My soul thanked me. I would’ve bet that attention would’ve averted towards Slamball during the NBA walkout. I’d rather be watching porno.
The meal isn’t over until everyone’s finished eating. And the lesson is: If you bitch and whine for long enough, someone will eventually do what you want for you. I’m too accomodating. I’ve been called a “gentleman” twice today. It made me feel good. "If you don’t love me, respect me. If you don’t respect me, fear me. And if you don’t fear me, it’s because you’re already dead." — DeMarco Slogan idea: “What’s all this Wii talk?” Deng, it’s hard to be a model when I don’t feel sexy. #melodramatic It seems a different celebrity dies every week, as if dying’s the new Hollywood craze. What I think, say, do, and write are four entirely different products. My current cocktail is the gimlet. Don’t put the thought in my mind!
Let good thoughts be your sword and shield. Ignore adversity. Imagine good things and make them happen. Don’t get caught up in your dreams — set goals and make plans.
"Call me when you get lonely." It’s only a problem, if you have a solution. ”THIS PUSSY’S BOMB!!! THIS PUSSY’S MADD TIGHT, YO!!!” — teens these days Maybe I wanna get caught… Unlike you, I’m proud of the shit I talk. Imagine this: Getting paid to get laid. That’s the life for me… #dreams What’s done is done. You can’t walk the Earth with a burden for the rest of your life. You gotta forgive. If you can’t take criticism, you’re probably doing something wrong. I wish there were more prints for men’s clothing other than: stripes, checkers, solids, and plaid. With any design project: 1. Buy one thing you really adore and splurge on it. Everything will unravel around that. 2. Go neutral with all other major pieces. There are some things that you’ll never forget. Now who would’ve guessed you would do stupid shit like that to me? But sometimes, you hella surprise me. With any instrument, play how you feel, and it’ll sound good. Therapy should be done over drinks. You need kids to remind you how old you are. Here’s me — busy and poor but happy and content. The drama never stops. The stakes just get higher, and the tension always builds. If there’s one word I never want to be called, it’d have to be “predictable”. I hate that word. The worst part about fast food is I keep coming back. Well, at least I’m working. I dreamt I was swimming near a lighthouse, and then I hung out with Manny Pacquiao. He was really down to earth. Then, I met this other fighter, and I trained him for an upcoming match. I’ve witnessed the manliest of men succumb a woman. I got pussy flakes on my dick. Fate brought us together, but love kept us together. I wish we could’ve talked more when we had the chance.
Let’s pretend that didn’t happen.
I’m pretty sure I was a cowboy in a previous life.
I’m not gonna talk shit about bad drivers because at times, I can be a bad driver. But you know, you’d be a bad driver too, if you were lit all the time. Yeah, well you know, you’d also be late too, if you got caught up having fun, living life. I like songs, not artists. My left side’s my good side. Why can’t men lie? Women wear makeup. I’d really appreciate it, if shit would just work out the way it’s supposed to, for once. Don’t date a girl who doesn’t make her bed in the morning. Brand ambassador work is one of the easiest and highest-paying jobs out there. And all you need is an e-mail address. Dude, I drive a green Jeep Liberty with a Maui sticker on the rear window. #inconspicuous I hate seeing the youth generation repeating my mistakes. Don’t let the Internet kill grammar. After all, the Web didn’t destroy language; it reinvented it.
Nobody can be me.
Please tell me about something you did today that I don’t care about. What’s even more interesting is that I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. Hopefully when my roommate goes to college, I’ll get the big room all to myself. Hehe. I love differently than most. No two loves can be the same. "So what does it matter? I ain’t tryna love the bitch!" I just hope my kids aren’t ugly. Please remain calm. We’re a team. We’re in this together. Most days, I have more money in my pocket than in my bank account. Definitely drank more beer than water last weekend. I’m such a badass. I leave my phone on in the plane. In New York, there’s never enough time to do everything I wanna do, see everyone I wanna see, and rest. Me: Too generous of a tipper. Too nice of a friend. Some people expect things. Don’t give in. The City never sleeps, but I do. "Order what you want, baby." It never ends, and when you think that’s it, it starts all over again. I ball so hard I can have McDonald’s everyday. If I wanted to, I could chat it up with anyone, but I don’t want to.
People like me.
This could be the best night of your life. It’s what you make out of it. I’ve been abusing my body so much, and college was years ago. Team work makes the dream work. If you don’t like bitches, you a bitch! I suppose you have to hurt yourself at least once in order to learn. My style is simple, practical, and comfortable, but presentable. Don’t do it in a half-assed Joel way. It started with a burn. I think I’m being followed. True Americans eat McDonald’s, drink Coke, and wear Levi’s. Listen, ya filthy cooter! Manual labor is real work. Enough is enough! Women can’t spell. I hate it when I see hella good spots right after you had to park hella far. You can’t offer something that isn’t yours. If she’s easy, hit it twice. ;)
Women’s pickup lines are so much worse than men’s but far more effective. I wanna open a club named Work. Did someone do that yet? Humor is the only way to openly say what you want. Remember, in comedy, there’s no such thing as “too soon”, not anymore in this Internet Age. I don’t have much money, but I’d spend it all on you. That’s not crazy. That’s love. Because you know, sometimes people hear what they wanna hear. Hate does not vanquish hate. I was born on a Tuesday. Everything about anybody says something about that someone. Panda Express is proof that Chinese and Mexicans can work together. There’s so much a man can do on his own before he needs someone’s help. At Taco Bell, I like to get half-Baja-Blast-half-Sierra-Mist. Try it. It’s pretty good. He’s too nice of a boy to behave like a man. You can’t underestimate an asshole. Sometimes a guy can’t help a girl. She has to do it herself. I like watching women walk. Is it true that modesty is the highest form of arrogance? All a man needs is someone to love. If not that, then give him something to believe in. And if not, just give him something to do. "Cool story, babe. Now go make me a sandwich". I’m a guy. When I shop, I know what I want. When I find it, I get it. After that, I leave. Do you always have to have someting to say about everything that has nothing to do with you? I’m trying to quit comics, so I can start collecting G.I. Joes and Marvel Universe action figures. Shhh!!! I fucking hate it when I bite the side of my mouth.
I had to fix my camera, so I bought a better one.
Bitches love me because I’m hot shit.
My hair makes my ears look smaller. Highway 1’s always a gorgeous drive. If you can break your mother’s heart, you shouldn’t sweat bitches. Michael Cera is the new Hugh Grant. I wouldn’t mind being a male secretary. Don’t leave the court without making one last basket. The last hour of work is always the longest. Just to know you’re out there - living your life, having fun, and accumulating amazing stories - is good enough for me. I’m slim because I don’t sleep, I barely eat, and I shit a lot. ALWAYS BE THANKFUL. It’s so trippy how two strangers can look alike. Ladies, dressing scandalous in the wintertime doesn’t turn me on. It makes me worry. I’m not selling a product. I’m introducing a lifestyle. It’s fine. You can say, “That’s not for me”. If I’m quiet, it’s because I have nothing nice to say. Mornings should always smell like coffee, even if you’re not drinking any. My dick is check-in. Yours is carry-on. How wonderful it is to let your mind roam free. We have no choice about some things. "I don’t know what’s worse - the cab fare or the weather." Even my phone wants me to delete old texts. I think that’s a sign to get over the past and move on. It’d be really nice I could do something without a female giving me shit about it.
I wish I understood what you just said because it sounded so deep.
Women shop the same way men sleep around. Last Fall, I wanted to stay indoors and lighten my skin and wear my beanie. I bet I have less money than you! It’s hard for me to be me when everyone’s always around. Sometimes you gotta poo naked. Who wants to be my personal trainer? Perks include hanging out with me. I’m a finger drummer. How can some vegetarians be so HUGE? Did ya eating a fuckin’ tree? First, I couldn’t get a job because I was too young. Then after graduating college, I became overqualified. And now, I can’t find a job because I have no work experience. A bum asked me for change, and I scoffed; I told him to vote. There are some things I do that I don’t want anyone to see. In this life, it’s fuck or be fucked.
No rhyme, no reason.
Monogamy’s an interesting topic. If you’re thirsty, drink your spit. Everyone has a talent. Well, what are you naturally good at? We do things when we’re young that when we’re embarrassed about later on, and that’s a big part of being human. I have trouble saying what I wanna say. I like my hat hair. Sometimes I use my sunglasses as a headband. I gained 10 pounds. It was like one day, I woke up, and I was plump. But then, I lost 17. Can’t spell “prostitute” without P-R-O. "Do everything you can to make it work, but if it can’t happen, it can’t happen." - Dad (I think he was talking about work though.) Like a patch of sunglight through a dark cloud. I do, like, 5 illegal things a day. "An executive? This is my chance to be somebody." - Fred Flintstone
You know you’re a man when Listerine ain’t shit. I’m prone to getting attached to things. Yeah, if I were you, I’d be jealous too. Cut off my dick, two more will take its place! Everything will be fine as long as we stick together. "You know you’re gorgeous." I reek positivity! So what if I put on a cuppl’a pounds? I have so many options now. True story: Up until the New Year, I was working freelance for 10 different promotional companies. I like the way they do things around here. I wonder how high up the corporate ladder one could go by sleeping around. Broker than broke. I’m a rude, shitty person at first; but if you really get to know me, I’m a really nice guy with a really well-intentioned heart. That’s how I am because that’s how I like it. I hate it when I stop for a yellow that I could’ve easily made. Why do I have to explain myself? Keep your distance. Stay away from me. I wanna make it a habit to always carry a pen. Earlier, we were rolling medicinal blunts on top of my Warlock guitar at the Chinese Benevolent cemetery. I’m fine usually translates into…
It’s hard for me to be the bad guy. Don’t make me be him. But I guess, you gotta be mean to someone to be nice to others. The crowd was slithering, everyone dancing and glowing.
Most of all, I’m happy.